this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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