I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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