If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
