so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
