First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
