Someone shit on the floor
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
