My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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