She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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