Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
