i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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