I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
