Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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