I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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