The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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