Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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