So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
