Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She announced her abortion via fbk
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
a search helicopter?!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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