Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
