You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
