Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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