dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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