he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize