Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
