I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
