I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
