KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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