She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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