It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
