My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
