my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
