I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
