Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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