I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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