Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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