i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
