I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
