When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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