im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
