i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
