I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
