My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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