I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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