sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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