I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
