I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
