Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
