She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
