Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
