I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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