omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
