he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
