Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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