if you like me you must not know who I am
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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