I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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