the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
