Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
