i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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