last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
