she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When are your genitals available?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
