Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There's always time for handjobs
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
