I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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