why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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