my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
