I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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