I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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