all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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