God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
