It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
