Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
